I sit next to a hypocrite. A southern Baptist, god-fearin' hypocrite. Someone who claims to abhor lies, gossip, and slander; yet perpetuates all these things. Someone who is my best friend at work.

I really wish I could say these things at work. Tell my supervisor, our HR what I know, and what I've heard. But it doesn't work that way. She's the darling of the company's (and our CEO's) eye. And I'm not.

I want to tell all the people I know she's maligned what I've heard her say. Tell them all about how she laughs about them behind their back. Or plots to get them fired. Or says rotten things about them. I want to tell them everything I know, but I can't.

I can't tell {JT} that she is hated because of a misunderstanding. I can't explain that it's partly my fault, and why that's true. {J} won't listen to me, she thinks I'm part of the problem, and that I'm spreading lies about her too.

I can't tell {AG} that because he was being secretive, I got curious and found out more than I should. I can't tell him that information was used by someone else to try and get him fired. Why? Because I'm sure he also thinks I'm part of the problem.

I am tired of the lies and deceit. I am tired of the neverending bullshit, and all I want to do is tell everyone the biggest gossip-monger is sitting next to me. But its not like I'd ever get believed. So what's the point?

Even if I tried to say something anonymously, it wouldn't work. The bare amount of knowledge I have would mark me as the originator of the charge. And though I cannot stand her constant giggles about others, her derogatory nicknames, I really don't want to hurt her either.

I can't tell our assist-supervisor that she's 'pygmy-face' behind her back. Or the sweetest one on our shift that she's aka 'thunder-thighs'. I don't even want to hazard what she calls me.

I rant about this often...I know I've mentioned it a few times previously. But it gets under my skin. I thought about moving my desk across the room, but truthfully, there's no one else on my shift I like well enough to want to sit near. She's the best of the shift, and that's not a positive thing.

Sometimes I wish she'd quit, so I wouldn't have to listen to her talk trash about people anymore. Or take another hiatus from work like last year.

Work's been one pile of stress after another. It's crazy. Things are getting better; never would have thought so two weeks ago. Barely willing to think so now. Customers call screaming all the time. Not so much on my shift; no, they just email us screaming instead. I can't WAIT for this mess to go away.

Life has been incredibly crazily insane the past 3 weeks. Mostly revolving around work, mind you. Our new system went 'live' Saturday evening. After being shut off from our customers for almost 48 hours, all of a sudden at 2am, the world lit up like a christmas tree and everyone knew we were back in business. For the past 3 weeks, there have been 3 hour waits to get through on the phone, 4 days to wait to receive an email from the company...

God forbid you wanted something sent overnight, or even a 3 day service... it wasn't going to happen. No gift cards were sent, no Japan orders, no Canadian orders... Even now 3 weeks later there are still problems. Half the tracking information doesn't work right. And did I mention it's been bloody busy? So much so the company's been throwing money out the door to the customers, just to get them to keep shopping.

They've been throwing it at us as well, gas cards, time.5, double-time... They can't keep enough people in the building to deal with the amount of calls that are coming. Two days ago, I promised my supervisor I'd work 8 hours on both my days off. Why... I don't know. But I'll be working 12 straight days. I'm gonna be a zombie...

Today we were supposed to get severe thunderstorms. Well, nothing like the sort happened, but we did get some lovely thunder and some lightning and about an hour of rain. It was beautiful outside. The rain wasn't really too cold, and I was standing out on my back porch in the rain enjoying it. I haven't done that in years....

For some reason, I just decided to ground while I was outside. Mind you, I haven't done that for years either. It just never felt....safe?...right?....I'm not sure. Just some vibe always say "no, don't do". So I didn't. It's been at least...5 or 6 years since I've done a right proper one. But I did it now. I stood outside and called out to my Elemental Parents (which was a spur of the moment thing, but felt so right in doing, I'll have to jot it down to remember for next time and for my students). I shot down my roots, and sprang up my branches and stood there for almost the entire hour it rained.

God it was fabulous! I guess part of the reason I never did it before was its always been too cold when it rained near here. Prior to this summer, most of the rain fell too early in the year to be warm enough to stand in for a long time. But today everything just clicked into place. I stood and grounded myself, and I feel revitalized and wonderful all over. I have been awake since 8pm last night, (and its now 4pm) but I feel as though I have slept well-rested for days.

I suppose I will now have to remember what Calling I did. I think perhaps I may even post it here later, if I remember it sufficiently. I'm off to chronicle it for my students. Yay!

The other day I had to go to work at 6pm instead of my normal time at 10:30pm. I was not too happy about it (although coming to work never makes me happy). My means around that is usually to listen to 2 songs on the drive (there's only time for 2). One of them is One Slip, by Pink Floyd. The other lately, has been Transformation by The Bulgarian Women's Choir from the Brother Bear soundtrack.

So on my way, I was listening to Transformation. The road I had to turn down to get to the company, right on the corner there's a decent sized field. Well when I passed that field I had to stop dead in the road, because with the song playing in the background, there was a huge hawk just flying over the field, revelling in the wind, soaring and diving, climbing and evoking all kinds of hair-raising tingling for me.

It was like the world opened up and all of a sudden I "grokked" everything. It was amazing. I even started crying it was so cool. I'm not usually that free with my emotions; for most of my life, I've been very stoic. But having the mysteries of the universe just splayed out like that for me to view was positively incredible. It was my Transformation.

So while sitting at my desk tonight working on our catalog circulation database, I had an amazing thought strike me. Succinctly, regarding a friend who now works in one of the 'helm' positions of the company. Previously she worked my shift, slightly different days. When I came to work tonight, we spoke briefly in the lunchroom, and by the time I was going back to my desk afterwards, she was back at her pc. She began to stick her tongue out at me, and make faces at me. I responded in kind, but continued to my desk.

This occured today, while 2 days ago, she announced to me she wanted to moon me. (The reason escapes my memory now.) Still it was an odd thing, and prompted an even odder thought to me. That I'd "do" her. In slightly cruder terms, I was attracted to the thought of making her scream with giddy pleasure.

The oddity of it is I'd never thought such a thought about her before. Never occured at all. Besides work, we don't really socialize, although I am highly intestesd in doing so, as she and her SO also play AD&D between themselves, much as my family does.

Maybe I'm just reading too many romance novels these days. But I really do like her. Brains has always accounted for me more than anything else; and she's funny, smart and so god-bloody cute.

And also tonight, {AM} saved me from a long drawn out religious broo-hah-hah. When I came to work I was wearing a bright orange t-shirt that says "I witches". Well all of my shift knows I'm not christian. None of them could care less. But when I came to work, someone saw my shirt, and started by "You love witches? Huh? What?"

I could feel that whole "witches are evil and spawn of satan" thing coming and I was getting ready to put up my happy "let's tolerate this BS until we get a breath in to explain" when {AM} replies, "Oh no, she wore it for me, cause she loves me, and she knows I'm a WITCH," [read BITCH there]. Well this other woman sort of looked at me, looked at {AM} and shrugged her shoulders laughing.

When I told her I got it at Walmart during Halloween, that sort of diffused it further and I guess she thought it didn't mean what she thought it meant. Pity for her; I love to educate the ignorant, but I wasn't going to get into it there. Religion is sort of a no-no topic here. It does come up, but always carefully.